Episode 11:  ”Someday You Will Be Loved”—Death Cab for Cutie

The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

Disclaimer:  I swear I’m  not some weepy, emo nancy type.  I like to tease Death Cab fans, strictly because I fancy myself particularly badass.  That said, I’m totally a secret fan AND this song is so perfect for the story I’m about to tell (just wait…you’ll agree at the end).

I was looking at a calendar today, trying to determine the particular day of the upcoming Best Coast show here in Philadelphia.   I realized that Thursday was April 1, 2010.  April Fool’s Day.  And the ten year anniversary of the day I met the person that (seemingly) singlehandedly changed my life forever.

Of course, I would have laughed at this idea ten years ago.  I was too young to believe that a mere person could change my life.  Or at the very least, set in motion a chain of events that would transform every single plan I had made for myself.  Now that I’m an old lady I’m more aware of the power and magic offered by the people I choose to love.

“Love at first sight” seems like such a cheesy idea, served up in oversized portions by romantic comedies and bestselling novels.  And it doesn’t exactly describe the sensation that washed over me the moment I met him.  Ten years later, I still can’t find the right words to convey those first few moments; just a nonsensical set of nouns and adjectives:  

White hot.  Dizziness.  Magnetic.  Wide awake.  Familiar.  Foreign.  Transfixed.

(Side note:  I experienced this same “feeling” many years later, with a different individual.   At press time, only a lot of frustration and confusion has transpired…but maybe these unsettling moments are merely my wiser, inner self recognizing the hallmarks of impending change.  Meanwhile, I just like to chalk it up to pheromones.)

“We met on April Fool’s Day,” I liked to say. “So this whole thing is either going to be a tragedy or a comedy.  Nothing bland and in-between.”

And of course tragedy struck two weeks before my 24th birthday.  Four months before I met our daughter.  There’s probably a lot of irony in everything that happened.  The cynic might say that it’s all been one big comedy.

My mom made the solemn trip to Chicago, to help me pack up all of my belongings.  The July air had become so heavy, I could not breathe.   There was no way that I could survive alone in the Midwest.  

I worried that he would never find me, so far away at my mom’s house in Pennsylvania.  But he knew where I was.  And he visited me in my dreams every night.  I ran into him time and time again, all over Wicker Park:  disembarking a train on the Damen El platform, drinking a beer in the corner at the Rainbo, buying granola at the Jewel-Osco.  

“You’re really alive!” I would say this every time.

And he always responded, “You’re so silly.  Of course I am.”

But when I embraced him, he was not there…and when I looked up, I could see his back receding into the distance.

Always the same dream, in the same zip code.

Except for one night…

Just before dawn, I was awakened by furious knocking on the front door.  I pulled a sweater over my nightgown and waddled down the hallway.  My belly was so large, I could no longer see my feet without bending over.

Only someone with a sordid agenda would show up at my mom’s house this late at night, so I straightened my hair before opening the door.

And there he was.  I laughed and laughed and laughed.  When I finally stopped, I exclaimed, “Of course you had to make a dramatic entrance at 4 am!”

I wanted to hug him, but my belly was too big.  I grabbed his hand instead. 

He smiled.  ”I’ve brought someone with me.” 

I squinted my eyes.  I’ve always been blind without my contacts.  A tall man with dark hair. Nondescript clothing. No glasses.   Although I could barely make out his face, when he smiled, I could see that his bottom teeth were charmingly crooked.  

“This is my friend.  You don’t know him, but you will someday.  This is the person you are going to love forever, as much as you love me.”

I had questions.  ”Who is he?  When will I meet him?  How will I know him?”

And exclamations.  ”I don’t know him! I don’t want him anyway! I want you!”

He took both of my hands into his.  The companion retreated back a few steps, respectfully giving us some privacy.

“Amanda, you have to come to peace with all of this.   He will come eventually.  And you will start to forget about me.”

I could feel the tears running down my cheeks as I shook my head.  ”No, no.  I don’t want to forget you.  I don’t want to come to peace with this.  I want another chance.  I know that we could make everything better if someone just gave us the opportunity” 

He squeezed my hand.  ”We’re leaving now.  You are going to be okay, I promise.”

As I used my sweater to dry my face, my visitors excused themselves.   They slowly walked down the gravel road that lead away from our house.  After they disappeared into the horizon, I stretched out on a lawn chair in the yard.  I watched the rising sun transform the sky from navy to lavender.

My mom woke me up a few hours later, as she headed off to work.  ”Did you sleep out here?”

She was worried.  I had no answer.  ”I think I’ve watched too many movies.”

I’ve spent the last eight years discreetly inspecting the bottom teeth of every tall man I’ve met.