Episode 6: “Alison’s Starting to Happen”—The Lemonheads.

“I never looked at her this way before, but now she’s all I see…”

I had never really noticed Amanda before.  She was just a blonde girl that sometimes hung out with our posse of freaky punk kids.  She went to school with my crazy (and loud) friend Michelle, which meant she was a few years older than me.  I had once been in her car, on a trip to the Park City Mall.  Her backseat was covered with sketchpads and Prismacolor pencils.  And one time at a show, she gave me a Hello Kitty sticker.

But then she burst into the coffee shop with a shaved head and a newly acquired nose ring.  She was wearing a bright pink-and-orange 60s scooter dress and using an E.T. lunchbox as a purse.  And I practically fainted, because I was pretty sure she might be the coolest girl EVER.

It was love at first sight (or tenth sight…whatever).

But alas, there were two issues standing in the way of this love connection:

1. We both had the same first name.  That seemed a little complicated.  Talking to/about her would be equivalent to speaking about myself in the third person.

2.  Did she like girls?  Was it narrow-minded to assume that the shaved head was an obvious indicator of lesbianism? To be fair, I was a small-town girl.   Was there a particularly smooth way to determine her sexual orientation?  This seemed unlikely, because “Awkward” was my unofficial middle name.

I sought MIchelle’s help with the second issue.  ”Awwww….Little Sister has a girl crush?  So cute!”  My baby face (and slightly younger age) had earned me the not-so-cool nickname of Little Sister.    The pigtails probably weren’t lending me an air of maturity, either.

But Michelle liked to think of herself as both a leader and diplomat, so she was thrilled to help.  The intelligence-gathering mission was a success.  She cornered Amanda in the bathroom at Denny’s (while I smoked a purloined Marlboro Light in the parking lot).   The verdict was a “Yeah, she thinks she might be bisexual.”  And even better “She thinks you are really cute and you always wear awesome outfits.”  YES!

Teenage girl mathematics, Lesson 1:

“Cute” + “Awesome outfits” = TOTAL FUTURE MAKEOUT POTENTIAL.

Of course, the 32-year old me can laugh at this.  Thanks to riot grrl music, Sassy, the introduction of women’s studies classes at some of the better high schools, and that one Drew Barrymore movie, we all thought we “might” be bisexual.   Then again, I’m still scoring potential makeout participants on outfits and cuteness (in that order).  So what do I know?

But then, the VERY young me was VERY excited.  I had to hatch a plan:

1. Make a mix tape.  It would have to be the BEST tape ever, filled with songs likely to work a teenage punk rock girl into a sexual frenzy.  This mix would have to include Sonic Youth and Bikini Kill.   The tape itself would have to be spray painted either hot pink or black.  The construction of the liner notes would require a wide assortment of Sharpies and star stickers.

2. Next, invite her to see my crappy riot grrl band play at the next fire house show in Lancaster.  If I had learned anything about being a band, it was this:

Teenage girl mathematics, Lesson 2:

Being in a band = (one’s natural hotness level) x 10.

And if the band is allegedly riot grrl, the boys AND girls will wait after the show for a chance to talk to the “band.”

I would give Amanda the tape after the show.   This would lead to step 3:  Kissing.  Sort of the goal of the whole thing, I guess, since I was sorta hazy about what exactly lesbians “did.”

The show went as well as could be expected.  Meaning, I was super stoked, but in reality, I’m sure we were terrible.  But even now, I’m convinced that our cover of “Strawberry Julius” was amazing.

Afterwards, I sidled up to Amanda with my tape.  She was surprised and flattered.  There was some small talk.

“Yeah, Sonic Youth is rad!”

“Yeah, school IS stupid.!”

And then we stood in awkward silence.  Oh god, was I going to have to be the aggressor?  I silently gave myself a 15 second pep talk (DO IT DO IT DO IT)…Before taking a deep breath and (in a completely strange voice) saying, “So, hey, you should probably let me kiss you.”

She nodded her head.  I ran my hand over her fuzzy baldish head.  And then I leaned in.  Her mouth tasted like peaches and cinnamon.  It was the first time I had kissed a girl and it was (as I would later describe in my journal) “life-changing.”

But it never went beyond that.  For one, I couldn’t get past the “same name” issue.  And Amanda kinda had a boyfriend that was away at college.  Meanwhile, I was already planning my escape to NYU.  So romance was not in the cards.

In the future:  Amanda lets her hair grow long.  She goes to art school and moves in with her boyfriend.  She eventually became an art teacher.  Meanwhile, Other Amanda (ME), goes to art school and cuts off all of her hair.   She pierces her nose and wears the shortest skirts possible.  She dates girls, then boys, then more boys, and well, more boys.

P.S. Comic (not visible in the dashboard view) by Ariel Shrag.  One of my favorites!